Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Running along

I have been putting on a lot of weight after the miscarriage and it has not been easy to go through these physical changes. The numbers on the weighing scale, struggle to fit into my clothes and getting comments about the weight gain have been a constant reminder of the loss and the grief.
Tired of it all I decided to start running for at least few minutes everyday.
I don't know what it is this time but I am finding it very difficult getting back to the athletic self. I end up only walking more than running. Last time I started running to lose weight I saw a change within few days. But this time I don't see that instant change. I guess it's just going to take more time. I hope I don't give up too soon.
Here are few pictures I took last week when I was out at the piers after work. The beautiful scenery makes the walk/run most enjoyable.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Tired of crying but still do :(

Ok. So I continue to cry and feel sad. I myself feel this crying is becoming old so I can understand how people around me feel when I just cry for no reason or get angry or go into a 'leave me alone' mode.
The memory of the loss is becoming weak but never leaves my mind.
When I hear my friends, colleagues and relatives share pregnancy or baby news, I feel bad. I feel my life is a standstill and theirs is moving forward.
Mine would have been 5 months by now and with me in April '12.
When someone talks about their kids even if they are 1 or 3 or 10 or 14 year olds I cannot stop thinking of my baby.
Why did it have to happen to me? Why did it come to me if it had to go away.
There are some days I feel so angry I get terrified of myself.
Every doctors visit after the loss has been stressful and depressing. I think the doctor could have saved the baby. Talking about what may have caused the loss does not bring it back.
I feel my family does not understand me either. Talking about the next baby is NOT going to make me feel better damn it! Coming from a conservative Hindu family, there is no space for grief over loss of someone whom you never even saw. There is no talking about the loss but only 'what did the doc say?' 'try again'. I hate this doc and this trying for another baby. I just want to stay away from these people already!
I don't know when and how this is going to change.
If staying in solitude was an option I would do that.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

My Mind

Isn't it amazing how mind tries and succeeds in bringing sadness and pain? Sorry, 'keeping' sadness and pain.
I feel my mind likes attention, sympathy, attention, sympathy, attention, sympathy, attention...from me.

I want to move on. But my mind fights me. And wins.
Not all the time. But many times.

Today is one of those times.

I know this will pass too. Just like before. The good and bad.

Ok, you win. Now what next? That's all I say back to my mind.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Mothers are the best

She said 'Yes, I want to come and see you.'

I was recovering and doing well. Days were passing by and I was slowly feeling the loss of the baby getting lighter and fading behind us. My Mom was in India at that time. She was trying desperately to get the US visit visa so that she could come and stay with us for sometime but that was taking it's own time.

I had however made up my mind that even if she does get the visa, I will ask her not to visit me now. Winter was approaching and for someone who lives in Goa, even the California's lower 50's can be unbearable. And also there was nothing to do now. The dream of having Mom around when I had my tummy big enough not to see my feet was over.
I think I had just decided that I was over all this!

But Mom was feeling very restless and helpless. More than anything she was feeling that Navin and I had to go through all this alone and we had no support. She was very worried.

So as soon as she got her passport from the embassy, she called me. You should have heard her voice. So relieved! I tried to convince her that her travelling was not necessary. She could come in Summer. She could even do some sight seeing I said.

But she was too determined. She wanted to see me now. Be with me for sometime. To just hold my hand. To give us a big hug.

Ah Mothers! They are the best isn't it?
Wasn't this the exact feeling I had for my unborn child? He was not even born for me to feel so connected. How could I not know how Mothers feel.

Even if kids don't feel the same way for their parents, they will continue to love you forever.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Still hurts

One side of me wants to cry and continue to suffer
The other side knows what is over is gone and was just an experience
I want to cry; cry out loud
I want to sing; sing through the sunny days

Sunday, October 23, 2011

It's so difficult to get over you

It is exactly one week since that horrible day. The worst day in our lives.
You were so loved and wanted my baby! It's so true that love is blind. We never got to see you but we loved you more than anything.
Your dad and me talked so much about you. We do so even now. Did you hear us then? Do you hear us now? Baabu, you are an angel who brightened our lives even though for a short while. Will you come back to us? We promise to keep you safe and happy.
We saw your picture the day before and doctor aunty and the other doctor uncle said you are doing great. There is nothing to worry. Then what happened all of a sudden? I am still looking for answers. That day still haunts me. I can still remember every single moment of that day.
The helplessness. The anxiety. The fear. The hope. The pain.
I prayed for a miracle. All the time.
I never believed in one until I heard your heartbeat for the very first time. It was such a beautiful day. We started weaving dreams of a future with three of us. Life was going to be exciting and lively with you. It was going to be different. And we were so ready for a change. We were so ready for you.
Daddy is still angry with the Gods or whoever the miracle creator was.
Every passing moment reminds us of the dream we had with you. The physical pain makes it even more painful. That pain will go away but your memory will be with us forever.
The thought that none of our friends will know you, or none of our relatives will love you sickens me to my stomach. This void will always remain.
We miss you. Be happy and stay good.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

You were a sunshine in my life

I couldn't see you and did not know how you were doing. But I always prayed to the almighty to help you ease any pain and do whatever is good for you.
You will always remain the sunshine of my life. I will miss you a lot. Stay good and be at peace.

Monday, September 26, 2011


Was reading this on a book that was going through the teachings of patanjali sutras. I feel everyone should understand the science of yoga and the power in our selves which is mostly ignored or never explored.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Tough times

Tough times are here
To make me a stronger person
To strengthen my faith in God
To give me life's lessons

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Life's barometer

I wonder at times, what is that I am here to achieve in this life? Is life's purpose only getting somewhere? Answer I get loud and clear is NO. Answer is just BE in the present moment. Being peaceful, joyful and full of love.

Now I think I get what my inner voice tells me. More than getting it, I feel elated just that I am on the path of finding that me.

Time and again people around us throw garbage of comparisons, monitory achievements, society made statuses, conditions and rules at you that make life a challenge. I hate to say life, because my life is my conscious, my inner peace, the ME which no one can reach or touch through thought, speech or action. But it does affect my thoughts and emotions. And at that time I hate how my mind empowers me.
I forget the stillness in me. My mind chatters and makes all kind of noise. I start comparing my 'life' (the life that my mind knows and builds) with the false definitions. I try my best to keep my mind shut.

I feel very restless. I feel like explaining what I have come to know to those around. But feel devastated when they don't get it. More than what they do to influence my thoughts and emotions, I feel more sorry for what they are doing to themselves and world around with the unwanted negative energy.

Those running after those million dollars, you will not get those million you are looking for. Because even if you get a million, there will be those million missing that you would want.

Those waiting to be happy after you get a better job, you will not be happy that time. Because there will be that position you want or that other salary package you want that you would not get at the new job.

Those waiting to travel new places after your kid graduates or after you retire, remember life on this earth is short. You may not live healthy enough to travel after you retire.

Those mothers waiting for your kids to marry to see them happy, please look at your kids again. They are happy right now and may not be more happier ever.

Those others who 'think' or 'believe' building a grand house or marrying is settling down, please look at your own life. If you are married, do you feel settled? If you have a grand house, do you feel settled? I can guarantee you are not. Because you have now other things to do to get settled.

If you can simply be more conscious and present that's the best gift you can give to yourself, your friends, your family and all mankind. Time is running out; take control of your mind and life before mind takes control of you.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Challenge - 3rd week continued

Its been 3 weeks now and my healthy food habits and lifestyle is still sticking with me. I feel very proud of myself!

Just back from a 3 mile run. Felt very tired, was the first time I ran, usually I just walk briskly.

Planning to make chicken salad sandwich for lunch tomorrow. Looked up some recipes for Mayonaise and the chicken salad.

Life is full of energy and our laziness makes in boring and dull. C'mon people make some positive changes in your lives too; I assure that you will feel better than you do now.

I have not yet weighed myself; I think weighing scale cannot be the only scale for accomplishment or success.

In any case, I plan to check and see if I have reduced a bit. Would be interesting to see what the change is.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Challenge cont. after 1 Wk

My wt loss and healthy living challenge is still going on strong.

I have continued my low carb diet with more protien and fiber. Also early morning Yoga (Padmasadhana) and AOL Kriya is continuing. Evenings I go for atleast 1/2 hr walk. This weekend luckily was a long weekend and we were at home so got to go for longer walks.

My protien and low carb diet has resulted in constipation problems :( Damn! I drink lots of water but thats not helping so much. Any idea how to tackle this problem?

I feel more energetic and more active after these small changes.

I still don't fit into my formal pants and thats concerning. My tummy is not reducing and looks like only walks are not helping. So I am planning to join a gym for some aerobics classes. Lets see how that goes.

I will share some of the recipes I have been looking up online and cooking to help maintain a low carb diet. Its lot of fun to always be on the toes to improve each day.

Life is good!

Monday, May 23, 2011


Today marks the day I take up this challenge to lose 10 pounds in 1 month. Navin and my friend Aruna told me that is too much to lose in too less time.
So I am not putting myself under any pressure. Weight will fall in it's right place if I just take care of the body.

So for now the plan is make small minor changes in eating habits and life style and let nature do it's part.

Breakfast today - 1/2 cup milk, 3 sp curd, honey, 1/2 banana and kashi cereal blended into super sexy shake.

Lunch - forced to eat bread (which I am hopping to avoid) with prawns curry.

Snacks - cherry, oranges
Made Dhokla (healthy) for snack tomorrow.

Dinner - chicken casserole

Sat in lotus pose while working on laptop ( was working from home btw so had this liberty )
Went for a 1/2 hr walk. Was too cold to walk but was too motivated.
Made sure I did not sit in 1 place for more than 45 minutes.
Early dinner.
Watered my plants in the pateo.

Just a honest beginning.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Food! and more food!

I am in Boston right now. Helping my freind with her newly arrived baby. And the only thing I am doing is cooking and more cooking. And I am loving it! :)

I tried Sabudana (tapioca) halwa (sweet) today and it has turned out yummy. Here is the recipe - I got it from my Mom.

In fact my Mom has been so excited that I am at my friends place and that she has a baby that she has started emialing me her recipes and forces me to make those for my friend. this keeps her distracted and stops her from worrying me on having one baby myself!!! You know how Indian parents are! I guess all parents are like that.

Here's the link on my food space! Sabudana Halwa

Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy Valentines Day

Hi All

Happy Valentines to all the people across the Internet. Wish you all had a good time with your loved ones, remembering if they away.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

City of Djinns

I am very lucky to have come across this book called the 'City of Djinns'. It is a travelogue by writer William Dalrymple who visited Delhi in the nineties and lived there for 6 years. This book has opened my eyes to the lost history of the great capital of India. I am still not even half way through the book and I cannot keep it down. The characters are very beautifully portrayed and each one of them tells an era of Delhi or a story which I would never have otherwise known.
All Indians should read this book to know more about the great city. The book is more like a novel than a history lesson and is very entertaining.
I feel so proud to be part of such rich history just by being born in this great country.
Reading this book, one can realize and live through the most elegant and pristine heights the city has experienced and also the most nasty downs and ruins.

Coincidentally one of my best friends is also reading a book by Williams Dalrymple called the 'Nine Lives' and she tells me how awesome that one is.

This weekend I got a movie named 'Amu' in the Netflix mail. I must have added the movie long time back. But the interesting part was that the movie is a story of a girl returned from US who is visiting her relatives in Delhi (coincidence once again). She has been told that she was an adopted child all her childhood. During this visit to the city she goes to many lengths to find out about her parents and her past. The movie does showcase the lives of people in Delhi during the 1984 riots after Prime minister Indira Gandhi's assassination. The book however I found to be 10 folds better than the movie in depicting the gruesome reality during that phase.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Jai Hanuman

Saturday we had been to Modonna Mountains south of San Jose.
Here are few pictures of the place. It was mind blowing. Very serene, calm and peaceful.
It was amazing to see American priests chanting the Sanskrit shlokas flawlessly and fluently.
I wanted to sit in the temple longer. Felt the moment lasted forever.
We went to see the baba too. He asked me a question. It was wonderful and special.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Bread making gone wrong

Last week my colleague at work got something really interesting in his lunch box. It looked like a dosa but it had vegetables in them. First thing he said was how bored he and his wife were to cook anything the previous day so made this dish.

I know what he was saying. I know how it feels to go home and first thing decide what to cook. And if within so much time you don't think of anything fun or interesting, you have tons of reasons not to cook. And ofcourse end up picking a fatty burrito or lousy chicken curry from Au's kitchen.

And as part of heathy lifestyle I have decided to carry home cooked food to work. Every single day! Yes, every day. Believe it or not, I have been successful 2 weeks in a row (just one more day to go in this week)!!!
Here's the recipe - Thalipit!

Cooking has always been fun these 2 weeks. I know what you would be thinking. When did cooking become fun especially when you do it everyday? Well, thats the thing. I was not regular at all. Now and then I get a sudden prick of enthu shot and challenge myself to a every day healthy meal contest.
Last night I was tried baking some bread! And this is what they turned out to be!

Monday, January 31, 2011

Doctor's clinic makes me nervous

Here I am waiting for my turn. It's time for a regular check up but I wonder why head feels so odd. I just want to get done with this stuff.

The place is full of people waiting patiently for their turn. Other side of the counter there are those chirpy ever so trying to please receptionists. Stop the smiles and the sweet talks you lame gals. Whats so funny or pleasing today that i cannot figure.

I cannot wait to just get out of this place. Why did I even come here. I feel great! I need no tests to prove I am not unwell.

Phew! Still no sign of the doctor. I think I may just faint with stress when I finally hear 'shriiiiiya?'

Believe it or not and I heard 'naaaatkar?' I feel like killing that fat miss! I wonder why they can never pronounce Indian names clearly and the way it is spelled? Mere naam ki khichdi banake rakhaa hain.
Feels like I am just too stressed for any marginal tolerance today. Beware you those who will interact with me.

Blood pressure higher than usual the nurse says. Obviously! Why don't you guys change the decor of this place? I say to myself. Do something to make me feel it's a movie theater. She goes away.

And here I am once again waiting for the next turn.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Shopping clothes

There are some people who look at the price tag before looking at the dress. Some look at the dress and don't even look at the price before purchasing at the counter.

There are few who look at the dress and then the price. Whereas few look at the price and then the dress?

Which one are you?


Isn't this funny? People are funny.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

They learn on their own

I looked at the water and saw tons of stones floating only on one side of the river. What did just fall from the sky I wondered? When I walked past this place an hour back, there was nothing there. I looked at them again and again. And suddenly I realized the stones had wings and beaks and those were not stones but birds!

What made them all gather to the edge of the river I wondered. I could think of only one thing and it was so obvious.
The sun was setting and as the sun went down on the other side of the mountain across the river, the sun's reflection only reached this side of the river.
With the temperature falling with the pace at which sun was setting, the little birds all gathered in the only sun lit area of the water.
Looks like they savour the warmth till the very end! I found it very interesting, took a picture to post here too!

Hey! This reminds me of something very similar I saw at my Aunt's place in Mumbai. There was a B.E.S.T bus depot just behind the place where my aunt lived in Dadar. First thing we heard at noon was a siren and then if we looked outside our window, we would see all the employees outside in the open area. They just stood still, no talking no eating no smoking, nothing. Just sun bathing in the middle of the day!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Ultra depth

I bet you will get addicted to this iPhone game. I just scored my best and thought I should post it here.

Those with iPhone don't miss downloading this app. Have fun!