Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Running along

I have been putting on a lot of weight after the miscarriage and it has not been easy to go through these physical changes. The numbers on the weighing scale, struggle to fit into my clothes and getting comments about the weight gain have been a constant reminder of the loss and the grief.
Tired of it all I decided to start running for at least few minutes everyday.
I don't know what it is this time but I am finding it very difficult getting back to the athletic self. I end up only walking more than running. Last time I started running to lose weight I saw a change within few days. But this time I don't see that instant change. I guess it's just going to take more time. I hope I don't give up too soon.
Here are few pictures I took last week when I was out at the piers after work. The beautiful scenery makes the walk/run most enjoyable.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Tired of crying but still do :(

Ok. So I continue to cry and feel sad. I myself feel this crying is becoming old so I can understand how people around me feel when I just cry for no reason or get angry or go into a 'leave me alone' mode.
The memory of the loss is becoming weak but never leaves my mind.
When I hear my friends, colleagues and relatives share pregnancy or baby news, I feel bad. I feel my life is a standstill and theirs is moving forward.
Mine would have been 5 months by now and with me in April '12.
When someone talks about their kids even if they are 1 or 3 or 10 or 14 year olds I cannot stop thinking of my baby.
Why did it have to happen to me? Why did it come to me if it had to go away.
There are some days I feel so angry I get terrified of myself.
Every doctors visit after the loss has been stressful and depressing. I think the doctor could have saved the baby. Talking about what may have caused the loss does not bring it back.
I feel my family does not understand me either. Talking about the next baby is NOT going to make me feel better damn it! Coming from a conservative Hindu family, there is no space for grief over loss of someone whom you never even saw. There is no talking about the loss but only 'what did the doc say?' 'try again'. I hate this doc and this trying for another baby. I just want to stay away from these people already!
I don't know when and how this is going to change.
If staying in solitude was an option I would do that.