Sunday, November 27, 2011

My Mind

Isn't it amazing how mind tries and succeeds in bringing sadness and pain? Sorry, 'keeping' sadness and pain.
I feel my mind likes attention, sympathy, attention, sympathy, attention, sympathy, attention...from me.

I want to move on. But my mind fights me. And wins.
Not all the time. But many times.

Today is one of those times.

I know this will pass too. Just like before. The good and bad.

Ok, you win. Now what next? That's all I say back to my mind.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Mothers are the best

She said 'Yes, I want to come and see you.'

I was recovering and doing well. Days were passing by and I was slowly feeling the loss of the baby getting lighter and fading behind us. My Mom was in India at that time. She was trying desperately to get the US visit visa so that she could come and stay with us for sometime but that was taking it's own time.

I had however made up my mind that even if she does get the visa, I will ask her not to visit me now. Winter was approaching and for someone who lives in Goa, even the California's lower 50's can be unbearable. And also there was nothing to do now. The dream of having Mom around when I had my tummy big enough not to see my feet was over.
I think I had just decided that I was over all this!

But Mom was feeling very restless and helpless. More than anything she was feeling that Navin and I had to go through all this alone and we had no support. She was very worried.

So as soon as she got her passport from the embassy, she called me. You should have heard her voice. So relieved! I tried to convince her that her travelling was not necessary. She could come in Summer. She could even do some sight seeing I said.

But she was too determined. She wanted to see me now. Be with me for sometime. To just hold my hand. To give us a big hug.

Ah Mothers! They are the best isn't it?
Wasn't this the exact feeling I had for my unborn child? He was not even born for me to feel so connected. How could I not know how Mothers feel.

Even if kids don't feel the same way for their parents, they will continue to love you forever.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Still hurts

One side of me wants to cry and continue to suffer
The other side knows what is over is gone and was just an experience
I want to cry; cry out loud
I want to sing; sing through the sunny days