Live your life Now

After we were back from the trip to Salt Lake City, I got to know the terrible news of a fatal accident on a busy street near our house that took the lives of two young cousins. Both were driving back from a baptism ceremony when a car hit theirs at a signal. I was surprised to know that this street where cars don't go more than 25 or 30 mph could kill someone in an accident. We pass that road very often and cannot stop thinking of the lives lost and their families.
On talking about this accident to another friend, she told me of her Aunt who was killed in  an accident crossing a road. She was walking back from a grocery store and the truck driver turned on a free right not seeing her. Her son still goes to the grocery store hoping to find her there.
We all heard the shooting at the Colorado theater. People had got together to just have some good time but for those few it was their last.
And then we heard of the shooting at the Gurudwara in Wisconsin.
I met a colleague of mine whose Mom was diagnosed with Cancer couple of weeks back. I could not imagine the stress and emotions going through the young girl's mind.

For a moment think of these people. What goes through your mind? You feel sad I am sure. What do you feel about your life?
Do you still want to worry about the chores left incomplete? Or keep the grudge for a friend since college days? The extra pounds on your hips? The exam you could not clear. Your life long wish to have kids, in this year and these many. Your dream of spending your life with Mr right going wrong. The job I could have got if only I applied at the right time.I cannot stress enough on the importance of 'now', the moment we have. The tragedies listed above is a reminder to live the present moment. That's all we have. This very breath you took in, feel the warmth, remember your relation to the Being, feel grateful. As you breath out relax your mind and be assured all is well, everything is going to be OK. 
Don't wait for the perfect conditions to learn something new. Start now. If you are thinking of a friend you want to talk to, call them now.
You are feeling this is the end of world, nothing is going right for you? Remember, it is just a moment that will pass too. You are part of this universe that has gone through infinite changes and continuously does. You have that power of change in you. You have the power to be happy.

If you want to be happy, be.  ~Leo Tolstoy

We own every situation we are in and should take full responsibility for it.
You cannot control all life events, but you can control how you feel. Believe that every problem has a solution. If you continue to get lost in your egoistic endeavors, you will remain in the constant cycle of loss and pain. Break this cycle of unrealistic hopes. If you feel emotionally down, don't look for answers now. Wait till your mind is clear of all the noise. For now, just be aware of the thoughts that come to your mind. Don't fight them. And don't glue yourself to them to continue crying for what happened.
Welcome every moment as the last you will have or the first you ever had.

There are many times I feel lost and doubt God's power. The meditation, the knowledge I get from reading books or meeting people, of what 'use' is it to me? But every time I have come to only one conclusion - and that is, as soon as you keep yourself separated from worldly 'norms' and 'pleasures' and 'the rat race', the fear of 'something bad' and your mind is in the 'Now', there is place for only peace and happiness. And that is the aim in life isn't it?
You ease into the worldly 'norms'. You experience the 'pleasure' of being alive. You win your 'rat race' because these are your own mind made. The 'something bad' you think will happen is ALL in your mind. So just relax your mind. Your present moment was your future in your past. Got it? So you have the choice how you want to live it or rather I should say, how you want your future to be. 

Tired of crying but still do :(

Ok. So I continue to cry and feel sad. I myself feel this crying is becoming old so I can understand how people around me feel when I just cry for no reason or get angry or go into a 'leave me alone' mode.
The memory of the loss is becoming weak but never leaves my mind.
When I hear my friends, colleagues and relatives share pregnancy or baby news, I feel bad. I feel my life is a standstill and theirs is moving forward.
Mine would have been 5 months by now and with me in April '12.
When someone talks about their kids even if they are 1 or 3 or 10 or 14 year olds I cannot stop thinking of my baby.
Why did it have to happen to me? Why did it come to me if it had to go away.
There are some days I feel so angry I get terrified of myself.
Every doctors visit after the loss has been stressful and depressing. I think the doctor could have saved the baby. Talking about what may have caused the loss does not bring it back.
I feel my family does not understand me either. Talking about the next baby is NOT going to make me feel better damn it! Coming from a conservative Hindu family, there is no space for grief over loss of someone whom you never even saw. There is no talking about the loss but only 'what did the doc say?' 'try again'. I hate this doc and this trying for another baby. I just want to stay away from these people already!
I don't know when and how this is going to change.
If staying in solitude was an option I would do that.

Still hurts

One side of me wants to cry and continue to suffer
The other side knows what is over is gone and was just an experience
I want to cry; cry out loud
I want to sing; sing through the sunny days

It's so difficult to get over you

It is exactly one week since that horrible day. The worst day in our lives.
You were so loved and wanted my baby! It's so true that love is blind. We never got to see you but we loved you more than anything.
Your dad and me talked so much about you. We do so even now. Did you hear us then? Do you hear us now? Baabu, you are an angel who brightened our lives even though for a short while. Will you come back to us? We promise to keep you safe and happy.
We saw your picture the day before and doctor aunty and the other doctor uncle said you are doing great. There is nothing to worry. Then what happened all of a sudden? I am still looking for answers. That day still haunts me. I can still remember every single moment of that day.
The helplessness. The anxiety. The fear. The hope. The pain.
I prayed for a miracle. All the time.
I never believed in one until I heard your heartbeat for the very first time. It was such a beautiful day. We started weaving dreams of a future with three of us. Life was going to be exciting and lively with you. It was going to be different. And we were so ready for a change. We were so ready for you.
Daddy is still angry with the Gods or whoever the miracle creator was.
Every passing moment reminds us of the dream we had with you. The physical pain makes it even more painful. That pain will go away but your memory will be with us forever.
The thought that none of our friends will know you, or none of our relatives will love you sickens me to my stomach. This void will always remain.
We miss you. Be happy and stay good.

You were a sunshine in my life

I couldn't see you and did not know how you were doing. But I always prayed to the almighty to help you ease any pain and do whatever is good for you.
You will always remain the sunshine of my life. I will miss you a lot. Stay good and be at peace.

With love....

Why did God have to take you away from us like this? My heart aches to realize that I will not be able to listen to your voice, to see you again. But I feel your presence, your strong and graceful spirit. I just know you will always be around looking at us and taking care of us.
I think of you everyday... how I wish I could say my final good bye. I wonder what the moment would have been when you knew you have to go.

Who knew when you packed your bags to go to the hospital that day, you would never come back. Next time I ring the door bells, I will never get to see your warm smile. Everything is just the same but only you not home.

You will not read this... But I want you to know how proud I am of you. You have been a fighter till the very end. Your attractive and loving personality will always be in every body's hearts. I feel lucky that our paths crossed and I got a chance to make you part of my life. Never in our past meetings or conversations you made me aware of the tough times you and your close relatives have been through. I wish we had got more time together to share your past too.

Who can disagree... Cancer is life changing...

Rest in peace Seema Aunty.

Until me meet again in the other world... Goodbye... still learning to live knowing you not with us!

Death - do you worry?

What do you want to be remembered as after you die? Does it ever bother you that after you die, world will still go on the way it did and you will be just gone and forgotten?

Well, does it even matter? Anyways you will be dead and will never know what your family or friends are doing. J

Some people may remember and miss you; some may remember how good you made them feel; or how awful you made them feel. Your pictures may be hung on the walls in your homes. Or some rituals may be performed in your name. If you were rich enough, may be you would have bought your name print on a temple donation board and your family members may boast about it or neighbors envy it . May be you were a scholar and made some breakthroughs in some field of science. You may have become talk of the town if you had committed suicide or had an unnatural death or an untimely one.

But how would it matter to you after you are dead? Do you take responsibility towards family, friends, society even after you die?

Isn’t it ridiculous to worry about the time which does not even belong to you. Why care if someone will light a candle in your name or not. Why worry if your family will be miss you or not. Why do you even want to be remembered? People living in this world already have enough going on in their own lives; why add more.

Wouldn’t it be helpful, if instead you did things that made their life easy while you are alive. Take a moment to smile, to live that present moment. Help as many people you can. Be it financially, emotionally or intellectually. Instead of donating towards a gold crown for an idol in a temple, give that amount to an orphan.
We should be open to the thought of death; everyone will die one day or the other. Talk to your kids and family so that it makes them strong and they can learn to cope with the loss better after you die. Some things are not in your hands and death is definitely one of them. So stop worrying about it and about things after it. It will strike you whenever it has to and we cannot avoid it.

When I reached Mangalore office, I got to know one of our office employee died in an accident just a few days before I joined office. The person was just in his early twenties; looking at life with enthusiasm and so many possibilities. I was little disturbed to know about this loss but after a day or two forgot about the incident completely. I have been sitting in one place in one of the cubicles for last one and a half months. I always wondered who must have been using this system before me. I saw many medals and trophies around the place. I wondered if the person would even know or mind if I flicked one among those. Few days later I got to know that this place belonged to the same person who died in the accident.
Would he been thinking how his trophies would be left carelessly? Would he care who uses this system anymore? What would happen if death struck you all of a sudden like this? Have we done our bit in this world?

Old Age

I tried hard not to think about her. But the moments when we met keeps wandering back…

During my last visit to Goa, I visited one of my distant relatives. She is now old, has faded memory and is hard of hearing. I wanted to meet her before I leave Goa in this visit, not knowing when I would be back again and get time for the visit.

‘Kakibai’ I called her. I knew she did not hear me (I knew of her hearing problem) and was concerned how I was going to communicate when we meet. She turned to me with an inquiring look. Her eyes I could make out was fading too. ‘Shreya go?’ (Is it Shreya?). I was seeing her after may be more than 3 years. She had always been old as far as I remember her.
She looked at me and gave a relieved look. She said ‘How long have you been away?’ I said 2 yrs; I told as loudly I could. ‘2 years? It seemed so long. Now that you have come, don’t go.’

For the time I was there, I must have just spoken only these couple of words. All the while I simply looked at her in amazement.

There was Kakibai, one of my favorite Grannies, though she is not closely related to me, I liked to spend time with her whenever she visited us or whenever we met. She was always the caring, loving granny who told interesting stories to grandchildren.
But now, she looked old and weary. She could barely hear or see. I wondered what must be going on in her mind all day. Cooking, looking after herself, sleeping and occasional talking to someone may be who had the patience to talk loud and hear her say the same things over and over again.
Does she worry about the change in weather? Does she long for people to visit her? Does she simply sit back and remember the good old days when she was able to do all things easily?
What do people want in life when you are that age I wondered. Are they satisfied with the time they spent, time spent mostly looking after kids and praying for their well being?
What would we want when we are of Kakibai’s age? Will we be looking forward to anything at all? We may not be able to watch and enjoy television like the way we do now, or read books, or visit places. How would it feel to be dependent on other people? Value of money or gold or diamonds would make no sense whatsoever. Would we still want our favorite political party to win elections? Would we worry if the economy went up or down?

Or would we get fed up of the situation and pray to God that we die now?

I don’t know when I will meet Kakibai again. Before leaving I hugged her and touched her face. She could not control her tears roll down her wrinkled face. Was she sad to say good bye again wondering would it be another 2 yrs until we meet again? I don’t know, but I felt sad to say good bye too.