Mind, Thoughts and Us

Our mind is constantly feeding us with thoughts. Thoughts of our past, or our future, sometimes just self made-up memories. Mostly the feeling associated with them are that of fear or apprehension/worry of future events or grief, loss, despair of past memories. Why does this happen? Can we control this? Do they affect our lives in any way?

I have been doing my personal search and learning of consciousness mainly through meditation and reading and following posts from people who I believe have a common purpose. I feel my desire to learn or explore the 'truth' as they say in spirituality, leads me to useful sources. Sources, those at the moment, help to answer my questions. I don't know what is right and what is not. But I trust intuition and my gut feeling that leads me to a satisfying place at the time.

As I was reading the book Nine Lives: In Search of the Sacred in Modern India, I was amazed by the varied belief system and thought process of people who they believe are so close to God. What is God to them? Why do I not see those Gods that they do? Are they happy in life because of their faith or because of something else? Then they are sad too, so why are they sad?

I am learning that we are responsible for our own experiences whether good or bad. When things go wrong, we like to find someone to blame it on, and God seems an easy way. But why would God want us pain or suffering. Because we may have done something bad so this is our punishment or old bad karma? But who decides good or bad? Then we plan on bribing God or make him happy using drills we have known from childhood. These explanations does not make sense to me. So I keep looking for answers.

When I am meditating, I can get to a state where a thought about anything becomes painfully energy draining and so it feels great to be void of any. Where does my grudge or my reasons to feel bad for myself, or the bad memories go at that time? Same, when say I am enjoying an evening with my friends? Or I am reading a book of my interest. So, it means that I am no longer in pain for any reason at those times. Mostly, these 'bad' feelings come in when I am idle and have no better things to do. But knowing that I can be in a state of no thought and so of no pain is revolutionary. It means that with focus, and that is with intention I can choose to have no thoughts. But how can we be with no thoughts all the time? But at least it clarifies one thing, and the most important thing. And that is pain or unhappiness is linked to my thoughts. Of course, it also means, happiness is linked to my thoughts. Basically, feelings and emotions are. So this means that happiness or sadness are my choosing. 

I came across Abraham Ester Hicks videos where super beings talk to Ester Hicks. They talk about being in the vibrational vortex and the universal law of attraction. The theory is that, we are all vibrations, including our thoughts. Whatever we desire, the universe is waiting to give it to us. There are no exceptions. We however need to be in our vibrational vortex to receive what is given. Basically, it is the feeling-good space.
I read her book called 'Ask and it is Given'. In her book there are many techniques explaining how the law of attraction can be used to fulfill your desires.

Our subconscious makes up 85% or our total mind power. Very little as 15% is conscious. What does this mean? Say we pick a glass of water. The focus to pick the glass is conscious. But which muscle to contract and how to move fingers is subconscious. Our subconscious is continuously learning from our tiny conscious and is controlling our life so to say. What I felt going through the book was that the techniques were mainly how to be conscious and deliberate in choosing thoughts which thus affect the subconscious. Most of the time, just thinking about what you want does not work effectively. You need to communicate this to the subconscious in a way that it understands and remembers.

I try to be conscious and aware of what I am thinking throughout the day. But many times thoughts involuntarily bring feeling of pain, jealousy and fear. As soon as I realize I am doing that, I think of something else. It is a continuous deliberate process. There are however times when I am engulfed with a low vibration feeling, say of jealousy. I feel angry and frustrated. I realize that, but I just cannot change the thought to something else. During those times, I just surrender and acknowledge the thoughts. That's the best I can do at that very moment. I keep assuring myself that this is just a thought. Once the intensity of it goes down, I switch to a happy thought. 

Illusion v/s Real World

Meditation, Kriya, breathing techniques, reading or watching related content are becoming more regular for me. I may skip a day or few, but I wait to get back to the routine as soon as I can. While I sit there with eyes closed and breathing slowly, I feel great. A feeling of being one with Life Force.
Some of the things that I got to experience is a feeling of love, abundance and appreciation. I feel energized, want to go exercise, meet people, find and make time to do things I love. The focus is on positive things. I wish this 'magic state' continued. But it never stays forever. 

There are times when I feel devastated.  My mind chatters so much I cannot sleep. I get angry or go into depression. There are even times when I get into fights or arguments just after being back from a meditation session. I wonder what goes wrong. I imagine one should go into deep calmness and be able to be centered in undesirable situations. Isn't that what spirituality should do to you? So, in the real world, where you get challenged and where it is your chance to show or test your serenity, why do you fail?

Am I wasting my time? But my inner voice says otherwise. I even decide to quit all the practice and the craze. And I do. I have done it many times. But something keeps pulling me back. I think it is the familiar and the secure place that feels like home. The prayer that gives strength and positive energy.

One important learning that I have come to know is that life will always have ups and downs. With your free will you can influence life events to some extent. But you cannot control them. But with certain techniques, realizations and knowledge you can learn to live through them.

I am reading a book called 'Positive Energy' by Judith Orloff. In this book she describes practices and tools to increase energy and find inner peace. She says do everything to find your intuition and follow your inner voice. From that center point, find the rhythm of your life. Once you synchronize with it, positive energy will grow.
I would definitely recommend this book. It affirms my interest and trust on meditation, love and spiritual practices.

I also came across this video which I like and think is pretty direct and clear in explaining the two aspects of life.

Why go through this process?

It has been such a long time I wrote something about myself here. What has been going on in my life after the secrets being revealed and meditation becoming the most important task in my daily routine?

One thing I have come to realize is that, it is not easy. It is not easy to stay on a daily routine. It takes a lot of effort to stay positive and 'on path' to spiritual awakening. Not surprising, that not everyone takes to the path of meditation or yoga.

I believe, I have shifted my energy in a more positive direction in the last 2 months or so. But I still at times feel anxious, despaired of life and struggle to find answers to my troubled mind. I even question the presence of God. Most of the time, it happens when I want to give up. Mind and body cannot keep pace with the changes in conscious. 

God! One day I said to myself, is only my imagination. Well, I say this in my times of despair. I meditate, I pray and I keep Him alive in my thoughts. My actions become a service to the most powerful. But it takes lot of courage and strength to do that. Of what good is it to me as I sit here meditating and being one with the space around me? Quietening my mind which is the toughest of all and seeking strength from the source?
I look around and see all the people around me, happy and celebrating. Even if they don't bend their knees in prayers, they seem to be doing pretty good. Enjoying and full filled.
Then why do I need to go through the grind?

Every time the answer to this question for me has been - because there is something bigger than you waiting to be known. There is an energy to be part of which you've not experienced. There are hearts to touch and love to give. You are living this life for a purpose and need to find that out. There will be ups and downs in life. To live is not to chase those fulfilling moments and dodge the lows. Those will happen no matter how hard you try or don't.
I've lived for 30+ years and nearing half the average life expectancy of human life. If I live 30 more, what do I want to do in those years? Just knowing that there is a bigger purpose in life, takes me back to the grind. Actually, I think its the other way round. Going back to the grind makes me realize that there is more to life than what I know.

Blind Faith

'In everybody’s life there’s a point of no return. And in a very few cases, a point where you can’t go forward anymore. And when we reach that point, all we can do is quietly accept the fact. That’s how we survive.'
~ Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

We all go through bad times. For many people it may be less painful whereas for others it is life changing. Whatever be the case, if you are told that doing so and so thing will help you bring positive energy into your life or help you get what you want, would you do it? It may not sound logical at all or scientific in any sense. Would you still do it?

I remember I was in school. My uncle who was in his late 30's was diagnosed with brain tumor. My Aunt obviously sought all kinds of medication and best doctors help. My uncle's health deteriorated within few months. I remember an incident where my aunt came home late one day. She did not tell where she was going when she left either. Later she told that one of her colleagues at work recommended a tantric/mantric who did some kind of homa! or whatever she could not explain.
Coming from a well educated family and my Aunt herself being sophisticated and modern (like they say) was trapped in this kind of drama! Not knowing who these tantrics are or what they do, she risked herself going to some far off forbidden place and was ready to try anything to get my Uncle's health back.

Obviously people ridiculed her. But now when I think of that incident, I can understand the hopelessness my Aunt would have felt. You try to keep faith in God, supernatural powers and just hope that magic happens. Your mind is already stressed out that you will try anything and everything. You are so desperate.

There have been many other such incidents that make me wonder, how far out would you go on blind faith? Even if you usually don't believe in such things, would you still chase them?

I personally would have done the same thing my Aunt did. People may call it blind faith, but for people who go through it, it is hope.

Homebound

It's been more than 2 years I have not been to India. Did not quite realize how these two years just passed by.

When you are enjoying life time flies by, when you are not it stands still, though in reflection of this stillness, the observant may note how much of it has passed, and how much has been wasted...
~Jane Wagner

After we decided on our India trip earlier this month, I have been imagining what I will do once I get home. Meet parents, relatives, friends... play with our house cat maybe?

I have lived each thought; felt it as if real...

I enjoyed the hot weather and played on the sand and blue waters on the beach. I talked to my cousins and met their kids for the first time. I even had our pictures clicked with them.

I smelled the tasty food at the dinner table and saw our Moms forcing us second and third servings. Visited my close friend's house, we talked about 'nothing'. You know the no sense, non sense talks. Laughed and giggled; I heard the laughter so loud.
I even cried while talking to my friends. But did not tell them I missed them.

I watched the sun set at the beach. I smelled the corn roasting on the lit coals near by. It was an amazing feeling.
I even rode a bike and went through my town honking to every person I knew. They gave such big smiles; some had a confused look on their face; they were wondering who this familiar looking gal was. I was wearing my sun glasses I think.

It's amazing how our minds play with us. Fool us and take us to the happy land.

It has been a good last 1 month. My mind has been at it's imaginative best, weaving dreams and planning out things to do. Things to do that it desires not necessarily practical.

My mind had its trip and now its my turn. Excited, anxious, and with heart filled with gratitude I will be home bound soon. 

Tired of crying but still do :(

Ok. So I continue to cry and feel sad. I myself feel this crying is becoming old so I can understand how people around me feel when I just cry for no reason or get angry or go into a 'leave me alone' mode.
The memory of the loss is becoming weak but never leaves my mind.
When I hear my friends, colleagues and relatives share pregnancy or baby news, I feel bad. I feel my life is a standstill and theirs is moving forward.
Mine would have been 5 months by now and with me in April '12.
When someone talks about their kids even if they are 1 or 3 or 10 or 14 year olds I cannot stop thinking of my baby.
Why did it have to happen to me? Why did it come to me if it had to go away.
There are some days I feel so angry I get terrified of myself.
Every doctors visit after the loss has been stressful and depressing. I think the doctor could have saved the baby. Talking about what may have caused the loss does not bring it back.
I feel my family does not understand me either. Talking about the next baby is NOT going to make me feel better damn it! Coming from a conservative Hindu family, there is no space for grief over loss of someone whom you never even saw. There is no talking about the loss but only 'what did the doc say?' 'try again'. I hate this doc and this trying for another baby. I just want to stay away from these people already!
I don't know when and how this is going to change.
If staying in solitude was an option I would do that.

My Mind

Isn't it amazing how mind tries and succeeds in bringing sadness and pain? Sorry, 'keeping' sadness and pain.
I feel my mind likes attention, sympathy, attention, sympathy, attention, sympathy, attention...from me.

I want to move on. But my mind fights me. And wins.
Not all the time. But many times.

Today is one of those times.

I know this will pass too. Just like before. The good and bad.

Ok, you win. Now what next? That's all I say back to my mind.

Still hurts

One side of me wants to cry and continue to suffer
The other side knows what is over is gone and was just an experience
I want to cry; cry out loud
I want to sing; sing through the sunny days

It's so difficult to get over you

It is exactly one week since that horrible day. The worst day in our lives.
You were so loved and wanted my baby! It's so true that love is blind. We never got to see you but we loved you more than anything.
Your dad and me talked so much about you. We do so even now. Did you hear us then? Do you hear us now? Baabu, you are an angel who brightened our lives even though for a short while. Will you come back to us? We promise to keep you safe and happy.
We saw your picture the day before and doctor aunty and the other doctor uncle said you are doing great. There is nothing to worry. Then what happened all of a sudden? I am still looking for answers. That day still haunts me. I can still remember every single moment of that day.
The helplessness. The anxiety. The fear. The hope. The pain.
I prayed for a miracle. All the time.
I never believed in one until I heard your heartbeat for the very first time. It was such a beautiful day. We started weaving dreams of a future with three of us. Life was going to be exciting and lively with you. It was going to be different. And we were so ready for a change. We were so ready for you.
Daddy is still angry with the Gods or whoever the miracle creator was.
Every passing moment reminds us of the dream we had with you. The physical pain makes it even more painful. That pain will go away but your memory will be with us forever.
The thought that none of our friends will know you, or none of our relatives will love you sickens me to my stomach. This void will always remain.
We miss you. Be happy and stay good.

You were a sunshine in my life

I couldn't see you and did not know how you were doing. But I always prayed to the almighty to help you ease any pain and do whatever is good for you.
You will always remain the sunshine of my life. I will miss you a lot. Stay good and be at peace.

Dharana

Was reading this on a book that was going through the teachings of patanjali sutras. I feel everyone should understand the science of yoga and the power in our selves which is mostly ignored or never explored.

Tough times

Tough times are here
To make me a stronger person
To strengthen my faith in God
To give me life's lessons

Life's barometer

I wonder at times, what is that I am here to achieve in this life? Is life's purpose only getting somewhere? Answer I get loud and clear is NO. Answer is just BE in the present moment. Being peaceful, joyful and full of love.

Now I think I get what my inner voice tells me. More than getting it, I feel elated just that I am on the path of finding that me.

Time and again people around us throw garbage of comparisons, monitory achievements, society made statuses, conditions and rules at you that make life a challenge. I hate to say life, because my life is my conscious, my inner peace, the ME which no one can reach or touch through thought, speech or action. But it does affect my thoughts and emotions. And at that time I hate how my mind empowers me.
I forget the stillness in me. My mind chatters and makes all kind of noise. I start comparing my 'life' (the life that my mind knows and builds) with the false definitions. I try my best to keep my mind shut.

I feel very restless. I feel like explaining what I have come to know to those around. But feel devastated when they don't get it. More than what they do to influence my thoughts and emotions, I feel more sorry for what they are doing to themselves and world around with the unwanted negative energy.

Those running after those million dollars, you will not get those million you are looking for. Because even if you get a million, there will be those million missing that you would want.

Those waiting to be happy after you get a better job, you will not be happy that time. Because there will be that position you want or that other salary package you want that you would not get at the new job.

Those waiting to travel new places after your kid graduates or after you retire, remember life on this earth is short. You may not live healthy enough to travel after you retire.

Those mothers waiting for your kids to marry to see them happy, please look at your kids again. They are happy right now and may not be more happier ever.

Those others who 'think' or 'believe' building a grand house or marrying is settling down, please look at your own life. If you are married, do you feel settled? If you have a grand house, do you feel settled? I can guarantee you are not. Because you have now other things to do to get settled.

If you can simply be more conscious and present that's the best gift you can give to yourself, your friends, your family and all mankind. Time is running out; take control of your mind and life before mind takes control of you.

Doctor's clinic makes me nervous

Here I am waiting for my turn. It's time for a regular check up but I wonder why head feels so odd. I just want to get done with this stuff.

The place is full of people waiting patiently for their turn. Other side of the counter there are those chirpy ever so trying to please receptionists. Stop the smiles and the sweet talks you lame gals. Whats so funny or pleasing today that i cannot figure.

I cannot wait to just get out of this place. Why did I even come here. I feel great! I need no tests to prove I am not unwell.

Phew! Still no sign of the doctor. I think I may just faint with stress when I finally hear 'shriiiiiya?'

Believe it or not and I heard 'naaaatkar?' I feel like killing that fat miss! I wonder why they can never pronounce Indian names clearly and the way it is spelled? Mere naam ki khichdi banake rakhaa hain.
Feels like I am just too stressed for any marginal tolerance today. Beware you those who will interact with me.

Blood pressure higher than usual the nurse says. Obviously! Why don't you guys change the decor of this place? I say to myself. Do something to make me feel it's a movie theater. She goes away.

And here I am once again waiting for the next turn.

Shopping clothes

There are some people who look at the price tag before looking at the dress. Some look at the dress and don't even look at the price before purchasing at the counter.

There are few who look at the dress and then the price. Whereas few look at the price and then the dress?

Which one are you?

Lol

Isn't this funny? People are funny.

They learn on their own

I looked at the water and saw tons of stones floating only on one side of the river. What did just fall from the sky I wondered? When I walked past this place an hour back, there was nothing there. I looked at them again and again. And suddenly I realized the stones had wings and beaks and those were not stones but birds!

What made them all gather to the edge of the river I wondered. I could think of only one thing and it was so obvious.
The sun was setting and as the sun went down on the other side of the mountain across the river, the sun's reflection only reached this side of the river.
With the temperature falling with the pace at which sun was setting, the little birds all gathered in the only sun lit area of the water.
Looks like they savour the warmth till the very end! I found it very interesting, took a picture to post here too!

Hey! This reminds me of something very similar I saw at my Aunt's place in Mumbai. There was a B.E.S.T bus depot just behind the place where my aunt lived in Dadar. First thing we heard at noon was a siren and then if we looked outside our window, we would see all the employees outside in the open area. They just stood still, no talking no eating no smoking, nothing. Just sun bathing in the middle of the day!

Personalized workspace

Do you decorate your cubicle? I guess I am not that into such things and would never carry stuff to office and keep them there to stay.

Wouldn't it be painful to then pack them when you gotto move? Would be very depressing. Don't you think?

I think our work desks portray our personality in many ways.

Mine is usually plain and dull. Shows how lazy I am.

Here are some pictures I took in office today. The little teddy, looking to get attention of every person walking towards the printer looks pretty lonely. Don't you think?

Confronting to Mistakes

I missed one delivery at work today. I understood some requirements differently. I even tested the tool thoroughly before delivery but somehow skipped few things. The issue was escalated to my boss and I had to face the consequences. 'Shreya?.. yes she is working on that', that's all I could hear as the boss kept the phone down. I knew I was in for some explanation. The boss was super helpful - did not outburst at me at all. But did ask for details on what went wrong and then based on what I had to say, asked me to cancel my meetings with clients so that I have more time to fix issues before we go ahead.
All this happened just a while ago. I want to pen down my thoughts now itself otherwise these emotions would just pass by and I would not want to remember them again to write them down.
How did I feel while all this was going on? I was feeling bad, very bad. I felt like I made a mistake, because I thought it was my responsibility to be correct. Being wrong was not correct at anytime, right?
As I was talking to my boss, I consciously tried to be logical. I was trying to be correct even in telling the reason why I made a mistake. No, I was not defending my self. May be it was a moment where I knew that something was wrong and at the same time was feeling bad about it. And believe it or not, I was also trying to be consciously aware of my emotions.
I starting telling myself, don't take it personally. All this is related to the work you did or did not do. And it is NOT related to YOU. Be professional. Work does not define who you are. As I walked out of office, I apologised to my boss. He said, things happen!
I know things happen! And I was also trying hard to tell my self this. But I was not able to control my emotions. I felt bad about something. Why did I have to feel bad? What was it that was troubling me?
I was not even thinking about the consequences of the problem on hand. I was not worried that professionally it marked bad on me. It was not such a big deal. But I was and I am feeling sad. Is this ego? Am I thinking of myself as a perfectionist that can never go wrong? I believe it is bit of both.
I just know that mistakes are part of life. But I just don't know how to handle the emotions that run alongside. Knowing and making this knowledge a part of you is how you grow in life.
I am glad that I was part of this experience. It just makes me understand how much vulnerable I still am to life's challenges and how much more I need to learn and grow in life. I wonder how I still have not been ready to grow yet!

Stillness

Close your eyes, what do you feel? Well, do you even feel anything? Or are you busy chasing your thoughts? I do it all the time, even with eyes open :)

See the grass in this video? It is pushed by the winds in all possible directions. At times the winds are so strong that it can almost pull the grass out or destroy the fragile texture. When the winds die down, the grass just relaxes back as though enjoying the beauty around, all prepared to face any strong breeze that come their way.

Our lives just the same, don't you think? Many problems waiting to blow on your face, to push us in all directions. But we have always lived through the bad times, no matter how grave they have been. Some situations left impressions on us, some came and left even before we made any attempt to react where as others just made us stronger. But every time there was a solution, there was a way out, there was help available. Isn't it?

What matters is did you loose your ground when the problem blew on your face? Or were you relaxed enough to face the situation. How did your mind play with you?

You know, last year around the same time I was in Chicago working at Sears and Navin was at Gap in SF. The economy was bad and there were hardly any new projects coming up in either accounts where we both could be accommodated. We managed to console each other most of the times but there were times when the wind blew right at our face to uproot us from our grounds. We labelled ourselves to be the unlucky ones. We only looked at the bad things in life. We never trusted that our managers took any effort to find us projects together. We hated if people showed sympathy. Small small problems seemed grave. Small things started becoming or appearing to us as big problems.
After few months I was able to find an assignment at Gap in SF. But only for 2-3 months and that meant we could not move our stuff from Chicago to SF. I requested a manager at Gap to extend the assignment by few days so that I could be eligible to move the stuff. But he said that he was already doing a big favor by finding the project and now I was asking for more.

At that time even a small comment like this made me feel bad. But today when I am at ease, I laugh at how the manager had reacted. I feel that it was immature on his part to say something like that. Or may be he was having his own pressure or problems which made him react that way.
But I could have comforted myself even at that time isn't it? But I did not, I was too busy feeling sorry for myself and getting dragged by the problem as it swayed me in all directions. Then or now, I am still the same me. If only I could close my eyes to find that calmness in me.

If you are lucky enough to find the calmness within you, you don't want to loose it again.

What a waste

It is interesting how our minds work as things around us change. When things don’t work the way you want it to, you get frustrated and all energy is wasted cribbing and crying.

We recently had a rating process in our company, when each employee was rated for their performance over one year.

My past one year at work has been very fruitful (for me) in all the projects that were given to me.
I won many appreciations, loads of trust and confidence from my clients; I excelled in every aspect of the work I took up. I got appreciations from my managers. On personal front, I went through hell! I stayed away from my husband for 1 year while I was on-duty guarding my company’s customers and credibility.

But, now when it is time to give back, my so called managers disappeared from the scene. I got moved to a different location, to a different project and I was lost and forgotten from the old. I was given the lowest most rating in the company.

How do I feel?

Cheated – I worked hard to earn customer delight. I got so many appreciation emails from clients. My managers even acknowledged my work by responded to those client appreciation mails with ‘Good Show Folks’ or ‘Well done’! But now I wonder, did they even read those mails?

Wasted – Why did I put so much effort into my work? I did, because I love my work; I am a perfectionist and it is my nature to get things done right. So was it a waste of time, effort and personal sacrifices? Is it wrong to expect what you deserve?

Humiliated – I did all I needed to do to ensure that I excelled in my work. Now do I need to beg for what was expected in return?

Used – If I don’t like the treatment I am getting here, why don’t you go somewhere else? Right? But I have my own reasons to stick around. So now because it is my constraint to not leave this company, you will use me like dirt?

I am sure each one of us has gone through these emotions. May be at work, in personal relationship, at school or may be with friends? How does it feel? What would you advice me? Or do you just give up on your company, your relationship, your life just because it did not do its part when you did yours?

How easy is it to let go? J Simple… I know.