Why go through this process?

It has been such a long time I wrote something about myself here. What has been going on in my life after the secrets being revealed and meditation becoming the most important task in my daily routine?

One thing I have come to realize is that, it is not easy. It is not easy to stay on a daily routine. It takes a lot of effort to stay positive and 'on path' to spiritual awakening. Not surprising, that not everyone takes to the path of meditation or yoga.

I believe, I have shifted my energy in a more positive direction in the last 2 months or so. But I still at times feel anxious, despaired of life and struggle to find answers to my troubled mind. I even question the presence of God. Most of the time, it happens when I want to give up. Mind and body cannot keep pace with the changes in conscious. 

God! One day I said to myself, is only my imagination. Well, I say this in my times of despair. I meditate, I pray and I keep Him alive in my thoughts. My actions become a service to the most powerful. But it takes lot of courage and strength to do that. Of what good is it to me as I sit here meditating and being one with the space around me? Quietening my mind which is the toughest of all and seeking strength from the source?
I look around and see all the people around me, happy and celebrating. Even if they don't bend their knees in prayers, they seem to be doing pretty good. Enjoying and full filled.
Then why do I need to go through the grind?

Every time the answer to this question for me has been - because there is something bigger than you waiting to be known. There is an energy to be part of which you've not experienced. There are hearts to touch and love to give. You are living this life for a purpose and need to find that out. There will be ups and downs in life. To live is not to chase those fulfilling moments and dodge the lows. Those will happen no matter how hard you try or don't.
I've lived for 30+ years and nearing half the average life expectancy of human life. If I live 30 more, what do I want to do in those years? Just knowing that there is a bigger purpose in life, takes me back to the grind. Actually, I think its the other way round. Going back to the grind makes me realize that there is more to life than what I know.

The Secret

In the last few days there has been a major shift in the way I look at life. Importance and impact of living in the present moment has not been more revealing and rewarding. So what changed or what caused this change? Frankly, I don't recall exactly what and why, but want to share my learning here in the hope that someone will benefit just the way I did.


Quite frankly I don't know where I should begin this post. So let me tell you of a book I came across Tim Ferris FB feed. He shared a book by an Indian author Kamal Ravikant; book name was 'Love yourself like your life depends on it'.
Indian Author, 5 star rating to this book and 99 cents download on Amazon, I thought to myself, sure!
What is in the book? Well, just what the title says - love yourself like your life depends on it. I would highly recommend this book to everybody.
The Author has described things he did to get out of rut; to bring changes in his own life; for miracles to work. And believe it or not, those things have definitely helped me get aligned with 'my being' and get 'on track' on my journey to happiness. I don't want to give out more details from this book; it is just some 50 odd pages I think and takes less than an hour to finish. Only advice I can give is keep your mind open and try out some of the things. I am sure you will see a change; anyway there is nothing to loose.

Our minds are busy all the time building false dreams, fear of uncertainties or remembering times of despair, sadness or simply going back memory lanes explaining self, how beautiful life was (which means it is not now or less now) or worse telling what bad things can happen to us.
This chatter has such an impact on our subconscious mind that it creates life patterns and situations that follow the feelings and emotions our thoughts produce. So then, one way is to break those patterns. Correct? And the answer to that is my secret. Actually the secret opens roads wide open to endless possibilities. Bringing 'magic' back to your life, the freedom and innocence and happiness your childhood mind had.

So as you may have guessed secret lies in being in the present moment; being in the now. There are many ways to achieve this not-so-easy task. Such an obvious fix to Life's problems, we may think. But took me this long to figure out. Some people don't even get that chance or opportunity.

And why would you do this? Why would you want to bring about this change? Because of Love! We our this source and it is our very nature. Goes back to the book 'love yourself like your life depends on it'.

The more I talk about this, I feel I am being repetitive. But that is what it is. Every explanation of Life's meaning, findings and truth leads to this simple state of Now.

What is Life? What is our part in this life? I have often been struck by this question.We are born, cared for, get education, make friends, go into relationships, earn big bucks, fulfill dreams of big house, big car, big business, get married, raise kids, get them married, get retired, travel places.
But before we get to each of this, there is so much anxiety, fear of failure, sadness of loss, bad memories.

What if I get to all this sooner than I planned? What if I don't get to this at all?

What I have began to realize is that all this doesn't matter. Because if you want something this Life is going to get you to it anyways. You just need to have the intention. As simple as that. Then what's the fear about? What's the hurry?
Problem is like I said before. The mind has so much fear, worry, sorrow and negativity going on already, the universe thinks, that is what you want and gives it back to you.

Living in the present moment has taught me many things I want to share. 

• Life's achievement is how you can make your life simple. Sacredness lies in simplicity. 
• Happiness is in 'mindful' living. Mindful - as in present - being in the now.
• Have faith in God - the Life Force - the super being, whatever you want to call it. It knows what is best for you. Surrender to the present moment. 
• Meditate to connect to the innermost magical Life force. Feel the connection to the Universe. 
• It is not easy to change the habits; you will be bogged down and will go through tons of emotions. It's OK, just part of the process. 
• Find abundance in all small things you would otherwise ignore. 

I would love to continue writing but got to go. But I will continue to share my experiences and how I learn to make these changes. 

Time to move on

Kabhi kabhi mere dil main khayal ata hain
Tum hote to aisa hota
Tum hote to waisa hota

Kabhi kabhi mere dil main khayal ata hain

Would have been one happy day today but God had other plans.
I move on with the belief and trust that God is looking over and only the best happens to us.

Cannot believe time has gone by so quickly. Would have been my due date today. Feels so awkward that I am saying 'my due' because that was never mine to keep. May bad times and memories fade away like a bad dream.

I am doing much better, in fact the best I've been in a long time. I have put all that happened behind me and look forward to good things.

Fortunately/unfortunately I have come across many people and their stories that helped me understand pain and true meaning of strength.
These people have been around me for so long. But I never gave a second thought to how they faced life's challenges. I thought of other's problems -  like those are things they needed to deal with. And that it's easy because it is what it is and cannot change.
But only a loss as bad as an incomplete pregnancy and the physical pain that goes with it could move me so much. God knows how to straighten us.

Homebound

It's been more than 2 years I have not been to India. Did not quite realize how these two years just passed by.

When you are enjoying life time flies by, when you are not it stands still, though in reflection of this stillness, the observant may note how much of it has passed, and how much has been wasted...
~Jane Wagner

After we decided on our India trip earlier this month, I have been imagining what I will do once I get home. Meet parents, relatives, friends... play with our house cat maybe?

I have lived each thought; felt it as if real...

I enjoyed the hot weather and played on the sand and blue waters on the beach. I talked to my cousins and met their kids for the first time. I even had our pictures clicked with them.

I smelled the tasty food at the dinner table and saw our Moms forcing us second and third servings. Visited my close friend's house, we talked about 'nothing'. You know the no sense, non sense talks. Laughed and giggled; I heard the laughter so loud.
I even cried while talking to my friends. But did not tell them I missed them.

I watched the sun set at the beach. I smelled the corn roasting on the lit coals near by. It was an amazing feeling.
I even rode a bike and went through my town honking to every person I knew. They gave such big smiles; some had a confused look on their face; they were wondering who this familiar looking gal was. I was wearing my sun glasses I think.

It's amazing how our minds play with us. Fool us and take us to the happy land.

It has been a good last 1 month. My mind has been at it's imaginative best, weaving dreams and planning out things to do. Things to do that it desires not necessarily practical.

My mind had its trip and now its my turn. Excited, anxious, and with heart filled with gratitude I will be home bound soon. 

Out of action

My sore throat and flu symptoms kept coming back last few weeks and this time put me out of action completely. Been home and bed/couch ridden all the time for 3 weekends in a row.
Had to put breaks on the drawing challenge as well. Hoping to get back to it in a few days.
We take health for granted all the time. Don't we?
You know there is that 'magic' you want to feel or be closely associated with all the time? That awareness. That just right thing. The unexpectedly welcoming. The special. ??? I think I have lost that. I am hoping it's the cold and viral fever that's making me feel like this.
Don't like that feeling.

30 day drawing challenge - day 1

Day 1 topic was - yourself
This is me in a pensive mood. It's funny how Navin reacted to this one. He said it looked like jungle book's Mogli!
It was good fun running to the stores to look for a sketch book and a pencil. Today I need to get a sharpener and an eraser for sure.

30 day drawing challenge

Hello! It's been a while I have posted something about me. Life has been going along, I feel better these days compared to last few months. So there has been a definite improvement! There are times when I feel down and tend to go down the memory lane of episodes when I was in the hospital and feel sorry and dull and sad. But the frequency at which that happens and the triggers that cause it to happen have reduced.

I have felt the urge to start blogging and let go of my frustrations that way but then I have compelled myself to stop and pause for a while. Most of the times, those feelings have gone away. Just making me believe that it was temporary and it was just my low energy at play. I am going to write about those feelings and what I have learned from them.

But today I want to write about this 30 day drawing challenge I came across on pinterest. Check it out here! It's a month long project where you sketch 1 drawing everyday. There are 30 topics in all, one for each day. I am planning to start today and hopefully stay on track and finish them in next 30 days.

Wish me all the best! 

Tired of crying but still do :(

Ok. So I continue to cry and feel sad. I myself feel this crying is becoming old so I can understand how people around me feel when I just cry for no reason or get angry or go into a 'leave me alone' mode.
The memory of the loss is becoming weak but never leaves my mind.
When I hear my friends, colleagues and relatives share pregnancy or baby news, I feel bad. I feel my life is a standstill and theirs is moving forward.
Mine would have been 5 months by now and with me in April '12.
When someone talks about their kids even if they are 1 or 3 or 10 or 14 year olds I cannot stop thinking of my baby.
Why did it have to happen to me? Why did it come to me if it had to go away.
There are some days I feel so angry I get terrified of myself.
Every doctors visit after the loss has been stressful and depressing. I think the doctor could have saved the baby. Talking about what may have caused the loss does not bring it back.
I feel my family does not understand me either. Talking about the next baby is NOT going to make me feel better damn it! Coming from a conservative Hindu family, there is no space for grief over loss of someone whom you never even saw. There is no talking about the loss but only 'what did the doc say?' 'try again'. I hate this doc and this trying for another baby. I just want to stay away from these people already!
I don't know when and how this is going to change.
If staying in solitude was an option I would do that.

My Mind

Isn't it amazing how mind tries and succeeds in bringing sadness and pain? Sorry, 'keeping' sadness and pain.
I feel my mind likes attention, sympathy, attention, sympathy, attention, sympathy, attention...from me.

I want to move on. But my mind fights me. And wins.
Not all the time. But many times.

Today is one of those times.

I know this will pass too. Just like before. The good and bad.

Ok, you win. Now what next? That's all I say back to my mind.

Still hurts

One side of me wants to cry and continue to suffer
The other side knows what is over is gone and was just an experience
I want to cry; cry out loud
I want to sing; sing through the sunny days

It's so difficult to get over you

It is exactly one week since that horrible day. The worst day in our lives.
You were so loved and wanted my baby! It's so true that love is blind. We never got to see you but we loved you more than anything.
Your dad and me talked so much about you. We do so even now. Did you hear us then? Do you hear us now? Baabu, you are an angel who brightened our lives even though for a short while. Will you come back to us? We promise to keep you safe and happy.
We saw your picture the day before and doctor aunty and the other doctor uncle said you are doing great. There is nothing to worry. Then what happened all of a sudden? I am still looking for answers. That day still haunts me. I can still remember every single moment of that day.
The helplessness. The anxiety. The fear. The hope. The pain.
I prayed for a miracle. All the time.
I never believed in one until I heard your heartbeat for the very first time. It was such a beautiful day. We started weaving dreams of a future with three of us. Life was going to be exciting and lively with you. It was going to be different. And we were so ready for a change. We were so ready for you.
Daddy is still angry with the Gods or whoever the miracle creator was.
Every passing moment reminds us of the dream we had with you. The physical pain makes it even more painful. That pain will go away but your memory will be with us forever.
The thought that none of our friends will know you, or none of our relatives will love you sickens me to my stomach. This void will always remain.
We miss you. Be happy and stay good.

You were a sunshine in my life

I couldn't see you and did not know how you were doing. But I always prayed to the almighty to help you ease any pain and do whatever is good for you.
You will always remain the sunshine of my life. I will miss you a lot. Stay good and be at peace.

Dharana

Was reading this on a book that was going through the teachings of patanjali sutras. I feel everyone should understand the science of yoga and the power in our selves which is mostly ignored or never explored.

Tough times

Tough times are here
To make me a stronger person
To strengthen my faith in God
To give me life's lessons

Challenge - 3rd week continued

Its been 3 weeks now and my healthy food habits and lifestyle is still sticking with me. I feel very proud of myself!

Just back from a 3 mile run. Felt very tired, was the first time I ran, usually I just walk briskly.

Planning to make chicken salad sandwich for lunch tomorrow. Looked up some recipes for Mayonaise and the chicken salad.

Life is full of energy and our laziness makes in boring and dull. C'mon people make some positive changes in your lives too; I assure that you will feel better than you do now.

I have not yet weighed myself; I think weighing scale cannot be the only scale for accomplishment or success.

In any case, I plan to check and see if I have reduced a bit. Would be interesting to see what the change is.

Challenge cont. after 1 Wk

My wt loss and healthy living challenge is still going on strong.

I have continued my low carb diet with more protien and fiber. Also early morning Yoga (Padmasadhana) and AOL Kriya is continuing. Evenings I go for atleast 1/2 hr walk. This weekend luckily was a long weekend and we were at home so got to go for longer walks.

My protien and low carb diet has resulted in constipation problems :( Damn! I drink lots of water but thats not helping so much. Any idea how to tackle this problem?

I feel more energetic and more active after these small changes.

I still don't fit into my formal pants and thats concerning. My tummy is not reducing and looks like only walks are not helping. So I am planning to join a gym for some aerobics classes. Lets see how that goes.

I will share some of the recipes I have been looking up online and cooking to help maintain a low carb diet. Its lot of fun to always be on the toes to improve each day.

Life is good!

Challenge

Today marks the day I take up this challenge to lose 10 pounds in 1 month. Navin and my friend Aruna told me that is too much to lose in too less time.
So I am not putting myself under any pressure. Weight will fall in it's right place if I just take care of the body.

So for now the plan is make small minor changes in eating habits and life style and let nature do it's part.

Breakfast today - 1/2 cup milk, 3 sp curd, honey, 1/2 banana and kashi cereal blended into super sexy shake.

Lunch - forced to eat bread (which I am hopping to avoid) with prawns curry.

Snacks - cherry, oranges
Made Dhokla (healthy) for snack tomorrow.

Dinner - chicken casserole

Sat in lotus pose while working on laptop ( was working from home btw so had this liberty )
Went for a 1/2 hr walk. Was too cold to walk but was too motivated.
Made sure I did not sit in 1 place for more than 45 minutes.
Early dinner.
Watered my plants in the pateo.

Just a honest beginning.

Bread making gone wrong

Last week my colleague at work got something really interesting in his lunch box. It looked like a dosa but it had vegetables in them. First thing he said was how bored he and his wife were to cook anything the previous day so made this dish.

I know what he was saying. I know how it feels to go home and first thing decide what to cook. And if within so much time you don't think of anything fun or interesting, you have tons of reasons not to cook. And ofcourse end up picking a fatty burrito or lousy chicken curry from Au's kitchen.

And as part of heathy lifestyle I have decided to carry home cooked food to work. Every single day! Yes, every day. Believe it or not, I have been successful 2 weeks in a row (just one more day to go in this week)!!!
Here's the recipe - Thalipit!

Cooking has always been fun these 2 weeks. I know what you would be thinking. When did cooking become fun especially when you do it everyday? Well, thats the thing. I was not regular at all. Now and then I get a sudden prick of enthu shot and challenge myself to a every day healthy meal contest.
Last night I was tried baking some bread! And this is what they turned out to be!

Doctor's clinic makes me nervous

Here I am waiting for my turn. It's time for a regular check up but I wonder why head feels so odd. I just want to get done with this stuff.

The place is full of people waiting patiently for their turn. Other side of the counter there are those chirpy ever so trying to please receptionists. Stop the smiles and the sweet talks you lame gals. Whats so funny or pleasing today that i cannot figure.

I cannot wait to just get out of this place. Why did I even come here. I feel great! I need no tests to prove I am not unwell.

Phew! Still no sign of the doctor. I think I may just faint with stress when I finally hear 'shriiiiiya?'

Believe it or not and I heard 'naaaatkar?' I feel like killing that fat miss! I wonder why they can never pronounce Indian names clearly and the way it is spelled? Mere naam ki khichdi banake rakhaa hain.
Feels like I am just too stressed for any marginal tolerance today. Beware you those who will interact with me.

Blood pressure higher than usual the nurse says. Obviously! Why don't you guys change the decor of this place? I say to myself. Do something to make me feel it's a movie theater. She goes away.

And here I am once again waiting for the next turn.

Ultra depth

I bet you will get addicted to this iPhone game. I just scored my best and thought I should post it here.

Those with iPhone don't miss downloading this app. Have fun!