Sachin! Sachin!

source: http://sports.ndtv.com/cricket/photos/with-teary-eyes-sachin-tendulkar-says-goodbye-16441-1-slideshow#photos

Sachin Sachin! Every fan of Sachin who saw him walk out of the ground must have had tears in their eyes. You are my hero! 

Infertility - emotions difficult to cope with

It was around the same time of the year, Oct 15th to be precise two years ago that I had a spontaneous abortion. I was 15+ weeks at the time and it was my first. I had no idea, that even after 2 years, I would still be childless and fighting infertility.
One way, this horrible experience changed me in a lot of ways. I have become more compassionate, I meditate which has been the biggest positive change in my life. My interest in human psychology has grown few folds. I am not scared to question human beliefs, religious and spiritual traditions. It has been quite a journey so far.
But it has also been very very difficult to control the sudden urge to cry or feel bad for myself.

I came across this letter that someone like me struggling with infertility wrote to her family and friends. It exactly portrays the whirls of emotions that went through me in the last two years. I may not be feeling the same way right now, but it does give a sense of what people like me wanting for a child go through.

a_letter_to_family_and_friends

I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don't understand. This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear that my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you. I want you to understand.

You may describe me this way: obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. These aren't very admirable traits; no wonder your understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe me this way: confused, rushed and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.

My infertility makes me feel confused. I always assumed I was fertile. I've spent years avoiding pregnancy and now it seems ironic that I can't conceive. I hope this will be a brief difficulty with a simple solution such as poor timing. I feel confused about whether I want to be pregnant or whether I want to be a parent. Surely if I try harder, try longer, try better and smarter, I will have a baby.

My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my infertility only after I'd been trying to become pregnant for some time. My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to become a parent and now I must wait again. I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, wait for my partner not to be out of town and wait for pregnancy. At best, I have only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish having my family?

My infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I'm frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What if I'm never a parent? What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can't my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? Why do I hurt so much? I'm afraid of my feelings, afraid of my undependable body and afraid of my future.

My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. I stay away from others, because everything makes me hurt. No one knows how horrible is my pain. Even though I'm usually a clear thinker, I find myself being lured by superstitions and promises. I think I'm losing perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if I'll survive this.

My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one. Infertility destroys my self esteem and I feel like a failure. Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy of a baby? Am I not a good sexual partner? Will my partner want to remain with me? Is this the end of my family lineage? Will my family be ashamed of me? It is easy to lose self-confidence and to feel ashamed.

My infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I'm angry at my body because it has betrayed me even though I've always taken care of it. I'm angry at my partner because we can't seem to feel the same about infertility at the same time. I want and need an advocate to help me. I'm angry at my family because they've always sheltered and protected me from terrible pain. My younger sibling is pregnant; my mother wants a family reunion to show off her grandchildren and my grandparents want to pass down family heirlooms. I'm angry at my medical caregivers, because it seems that they control my future. They humiliate me, inflict pain on me, pry into my privacy, patronize me, and sometimes forget who I am. How can I impress on them how important parenting is to me? I'm angry at my expenses; infertility treatment is extremely expensive. My financial resources may determine my family size. My insurance company isn't cooperative, and I must make so many sacrifices to pay the medical bills. I can't miss any more work, or I'll lose my job. I can't go to a specialist, because it means more travel time, more missed work, and greater expenses. Finally, I'm angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become a parent. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to know too little and say too much.

My infertility makes me feel sad and hopeless. Infertility feels like I've lost my future, and no one knows of my sadness. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I've never cried so much nor so easily. I'm sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I'm sad that my infertility requires me to be so self-centered. I'm sad that I've ignored many friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much energy. Friends with children prefer the company of other families with children. I'm surrounded by babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kids' movies, birthday parties and much more. I feel so sad and hopeless. My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My life is on hold. Making decisions about my immediate and my long-term future seems impossible. I can't decide about education, career, purchasing a home, pursuing a hobby, getting a pet, vacations, business trips and houseguests. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timetable; the treatments have no guarantees. The only sure things are that I need to be near my partner at fertile times and near my doctor at treatment times. Should I pursue adoption? Should I take expensive drugs? Should I pursue more specialized and costly medical intervention? It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees.

Occasionally I feel my panic subside. I'm learning some helpful ways to cope; I'm now convinced I'm not crazy, and I believe I'll survive. I'm learning to listen to my body and to be assertive, not aggressive, about my needs. I'm realizing that good medical care and good emotional care are not necessarily found in the same place. I'm trying to be more than an infertile person gaining enthusiasm, joyfulness, and zest for life.

You can help me. I know you care about me and I know my infertility affects our relationship. My sadness causes you sadness; what hurts me, hurts you, too. I believe we can help each other through this sadness. Individually we both seem quite powerless, but together we can be stronger. Maybe some of these hints will help us to better understand infertility.

I need you to be a listener. Talking about my struggle helps me to make decisions. Let me know you are available for me. It's difficult for me to expose my private thoughts if you are rushed or have a deadline for the end of our conversation. Please don't tell me of all the worse things that have happened to others or how easily someone else's infertility was solved. Every case is individual. Please don't just give advice; instead, guide me with your questions. Assure me that you respect my confidences, and then be certain that you deserve my trust. While listening try to maintain an open mind. I need you to be supportive. Understand that my decisions aren't made casually,I've agonized over them. Remind me that you respect these decisions even if you disagree with them, because you know they are made carefully. Don't ask me, "Are you sure?" Repeatedly remind me that you love me no matter what. I need to hear it so badly. Let me know you understand that this is very hard work. Help me realize that I may need additional support from professional caregivers and appropriate organizations. Perhaps you can suggest resources. You might also need support for yourself, and I fear I'm unable to provide it for you; please don't expect me to do so. Help me to keep sight of my goal.

I need you to be comfortable with me, and then I also will feel more comfortable. Talking about infertility sometimes feels awkward. Are you worried you might say the wrong thing? Share those feelings with me. Ask me if I want to talk. Sometimes I will want to, and sometimes I won't, but it will remind me that you care.

I need you to be sensitive. Although I may joke about infertility to help myself cope, it doesn't seem as funny when others joke about it. Please don't tease me with remarks like, "You don't seem to know how to do it." Don't trivialize my struggle by saying, "I'd be glad to give you one of my kids." It's no comfort to hear empty reassurances like, "You'll be a parent by this time next year." Don't minimize my feelings with, "You shouldn't be so unhappy." For now, don't push me into uncomfortable situations like baby showers or family reunions. I already feel sad and guilty; please don't also make me feel guilty for disappointing you.

I need you to be honest with me. Let me know that you may need time to adjust to some of my decisions. I also needed adjustment time. If there are things you don't understand, say so. Please be gentle when you guide me to be realistic about things I can't change such as my age, some medical conditions, financial resources, and employment obligations. Don't hide information about others' pregnancies from me. Although such news makes me feel very sad, it feels worse when you leave me out.

I need you to be informed. Your advice and suggestions are only frustrating to me me if they aren't based on fact. Be well informed so you can educate others when they make remarks based on myths. Don't let anyone tell you that my infertility will be cured if I relax and adopt. Don't tell me this is God's will. Don't ask me to justify my need to parent. Don't criticize my course of action or my choice of physician even though I may do that myself. Reassure yourself that I am also searching for plenty of information which helps me make more knowledgeable decisions about my options.

I need you to be patient. Remember that working through infertility is a process. It takes time. There are no guarantees, no package deals, no complete kits, no one right answer, and no "quickie" choices. My needs change; my choices change. Yesterday I demanded privacy, but today I need you for strength. You have many feelings about infertility, and I do too. Please allow me to have anger, joy, sadness, and hope. Don't minimize or evaluate my feelings. Just allow me to have them, and give me time.

I need you to be strengthening by boosting my self esteem. My sense of worthlessness hampers my ability to take charge. My personal privacy has repeatedly been invaded. I've been subjected to postcoital exams, semen collection in waiting room bathrooms, and tests in rooms next to labor rooms. Enjoyable experiences with you such as a lunch date, a shopping trip, or a visit to a museum help me feel normal.

Encourage me to maintain my sense of humor; guide me to find joys. Celebrate with me my successes, even ones as small as making it through a medical appointment without crying. Remind me that I am more than an infertile person. Help me by sharing your strength.

Eventually I will be beyond the struggle of infertility. I know my infertility will never completely go away because it will change my life. I won't be able to return to the person I was before infertility, but I also will no longer be controlled by this struggle. I will leave the struggle behind me, and from that I will have improved my skills for empathy, patience, resilience, forgiveness, decision-making and self-assessment. I feel grateful that you are trying to ease my journey through this infertility struggle by giving me your understanding.

Jody Earle

Mind, Thoughts and Us

Our mind is constantly feeding us with thoughts. Thoughts of our past, or our future, sometimes just self made-up memories. Mostly the feeling associated with them are that of fear or apprehension/worry of future events or grief, loss, despair of past memories. Why does this happen? Can we control this? Do they affect our lives in any way?

I have been doing my personal search and learning of consciousness mainly through meditation and reading and following posts from people who I believe have a common purpose. I feel my desire to learn or explore the 'truth' as they say in spirituality, leads me to useful sources. Sources, those at the moment, help to answer my questions. I don't know what is right and what is not. But I trust intuition and my gut feeling that leads me to a satisfying place at the time.

As I was reading the book Nine Lives: In Search of the Sacred in Modern India, I was amazed by the varied belief system and thought process of people who they believe are so close to God. What is God to them? Why do I not see those Gods that they do? Are they happy in life because of their faith or because of something else? Then they are sad too, so why are they sad?

I am learning that we are responsible for our own experiences whether good or bad. When things go wrong, we like to find someone to blame it on, and God seems an easy way. But why would God want us pain or suffering. Because we may have done something bad so this is our punishment or old bad karma? But who decides good or bad? Then we plan on bribing God or make him happy using drills we have known from childhood. These explanations does not make sense to me. So I keep looking for answers.

When I am meditating, I can get to a state where a thought about anything becomes painfully energy draining and so it feels great to be void of any. Where does my grudge or my reasons to feel bad for myself, or the bad memories go at that time? Same, when say I am enjoying an evening with my friends? Or I am reading a book of my interest. So, it means that I am no longer in pain for any reason at those times. Mostly, these 'bad' feelings come in when I am idle and have no better things to do. But knowing that I can be in a state of no thought and so of no pain is revolutionary. It means that with focus, and that is with intention I can choose to have no thoughts. But how can we be with no thoughts all the time? But at least it clarifies one thing, and the most important thing. And that is pain or unhappiness is linked to my thoughts. Of course, it also means, happiness is linked to my thoughts. Basically, feelings and emotions are. So this means that happiness or sadness are my choosing. 

I came across Abraham Ester Hicks videos where super beings talk to Ester Hicks. They talk about being in the vibrational vortex and the universal law of attraction. The theory is that, we are all vibrations, including our thoughts. Whatever we desire, the universe is waiting to give it to us. There are no exceptions. We however need to be in our vibrational vortex to receive what is given. Basically, it is the feeling-good space.
I read her book called 'Ask and it is Given'. In her book there are many techniques explaining how the law of attraction can be used to fulfill your desires.

Our subconscious makes up 85% or our total mind power. Very little as 15% is conscious. What does this mean? Say we pick a glass of water. The focus to pick the glass is conscious. But which muscle to contract and how to move fingers is subconscious. Our subconscious is continuously learning from our tiny conscious and is controlling our life so to say. What I felt going through the book was that the techniques were mainly how to be conscious and deliberate in choosing thoughts which thus affect the subconscious. Most of the time, just thinking about what you want does not work effectively. You need to communicate this to the subconscious in a way that it understands and remembers.

I try to be conscious and aware of what I am thinking throughout the day. But many times thoughts involuntarily bring feeling of pain, jealousy and fear. As soon as I realize I am doing that, I think of something else. It is a continuous deliberate process. There are however times when I am engulfed with a low vibration feeling, say of jealousy. I feel angry and frustrated. I realize that, but I just cannot change the thought to something else. During those times, I just surrender and acknowledge the thoughts. That's the best I can do at that very moment. I keep assuring myself that this is just a thought. Once the intensity of it goes down, I switch to a happy thought. 

Our Beliefs make up our Reality

'Nine Lives: In Search of the Sacred in Modern India' - By William Dalyrmple. I read this book couple of weeks back. It is a wonderful travelogue where the author has presented 9 different stories of 9 ordinary Indian people who follow separate religious beliefs. I was immediately engaged in the stories of the people because of the writing style, giving adequate attention to mundane things in their daily lives as well as the sacred rituals and traditions.

The book for me was more than learning about the different cultures.
Why do people follow certain traditions? What is their definition of God? Did the God they hold so dearly protect them from all evil?
One thing was clear from all the stories. The cause or the reason why a person ended up following a God or the sacred tradition was more than just something that got passed on from generation to generation. Most of the stories in the book were of people who chose to become a Theyyam dancer, or a tantric, or a sufi singer or a monk.
For people of lower castes and those lower in socio economic ladder, the tradition of dancing or giving blessing as if they 'become' God is a source of food and some extra money. It is also a source to gain respect from other portions of the society who otherwise would not even look at them in their real life.

There is some kind of conflict between the day to day lives of the people and the special days or nights when they were in their avatars. Or there was a conflict in what they believed as part of the faith and what they really felt inside.

The Theyyam dancer for example digs well for rich people in town who would not allow them to touch the water of the same wells after they are complete. The Tibetan Monk who follow teachings of non-violence and love, have to pick up swords and guns to fight the Chinese army. The deva-daasis are bitten by the deadly disease of aids from people who come to them to wash away their sins. The Jain Nun is looking forward to moksha, a form of suicide which would unite her to a friend who died at an young age.

So what is real? The pain of the Nun or her belief that she will meet her friend after death? The well digger's belief that he is God for few months of the year?
I think it doesn't matter to us, as an audience. Our belief system becomes or reality. For the Sufi singer, or the tantrics, the beliefs they hold is their reality.

And as for us, it goes along the same line. It bothers me to see how my family and relatives follow traditions and religious beliefs which most don't know the meaning of or the importance of. But again, it doesn't matter. For people who do those acts, they make that their reality.

Conversations with God - Book

I picked this book - 'Conversations with God' by Neale Donald Walsch from the library. This is the second time I picked it up. The first time round I could not read beyond couple of pages. A friend had suggested this book to me, and at that time it seemed artificial and something I could not comprehend.
This time I was looking for answers. More than answers to specific questions, I was looking to explore and understand this explanation of Life and  God.

The language used in the book is very casual - not something we imagine God can talk to us.

Below are some lines from the book, which I had noted down. 

The deepest secret is that life is not a process of discovery, but a process of creation. You are not discovering yourself, but creating yourself anew. (Thoughts, word, action - that's how).

There is only one purpose for all of life, and that is for you and all that lives to experience fullest glory. The soul knows all there is to know all the time. Yet knowing is not enough. The soul seeks to experience.

Judge not, then, the karmic path walked by another. Envy not success, nor pity failure, for you know not what is success and failure in the soul's reckoning.And know that what you do in the tune of your greatest trial can be your greatest triumph. For the experience you create is a statement of who you are and who you want to be.
You life is always a result of your thoughts about it - including your obviously creative thought that you seldom get what you choose. Your life proceeds out of your intentions for it.


In the largest sense, all the "bad" things that happen are of your choosing. The mistake is not in choosing them, but in calling them bad. For in calling them bad, you call your self bad, since you created them. This label you cannot accept, so rather than label self bad, you disown your own creations.You cannot change the outer event (for that has been created by the lot of you, and you are not grown enough in your consciousness to alter individually that which has been created collectively), so you must change the inner experience. Nothing is painful in and of itself. Pain is a result of wrong thought. It is an error in thinking.
Pain results from a judgement you have made about a thing. Remove the judgement and the pain disappears.

Affirmations do not work if they are merely statements of what you want to be true. Affirmations work only when they are statements of something you already know to be true.
If, now, there is something you choose to experience in your life, do not "want" it- choose it.

The actions of the body were meant to be reflections of a state of being, not attempts to attain a state of being.
In true order of things one does not do things in order to be happy - one is happy and hence does things. One does not do things in order to be compassionate, one is compassionate and, hence, acts in a certain way. The soul's decision precedes the body's action in a highly conscious person. Only an unconscious person attempts to produce a state of the soul through something the body is doing.

Your life work is a statement of who you are. If it is not, then why are you doing it?
Do you imagine that you have to? You don't have to do anything.

If "Man who supports his family at all cost, even his own happiness" is who you are then love your work, because it is facilitating your creation of a living statement of Self.
If " woman who works at a job she hates in order to meet responsibilities as she sees them" is who you are then love love love your job for it totally supports your self image, your self concept.
Everyone can love everything the moment they understand what they are doing, and why.
No one does anything he doesn't want to do.

Illusion v/s Real World

Meditation, Kriya, breathing techniques, reading or watching related content are becoming more regular for me. I may skip a day or few, but I wait to get back to the routine as soon as I can. While I sit there with eyes closed and breathing slowly, I feel great. A feeling of being one with Life Force.
Some of the things that I got to experience is a feeling of love, abundance and appreciation. I feel energized, want to go exercise, meet people, find and make time to do things I love. The focus is on positive things. I wish this 'magic state' continued. But it never stays forever. 

There are times when I feel devastated.  My mind chatters so much I cannot sleep. I get angry or go into depression. There are even times when I get into fights or arguments just after being back from a meditation session. I wonder what goes wrong. I imagine one should go into deep calmness and be able to be centered in undesirable situations. Isn't that what spirituality should do to you? So, in the real world, where you get challenged and where it is your chance to show or test your serenity, why do you fail?

Am I wasting my time? But my inner voice says otherwise. I even decide to quit all the practice and the craze. And I do. I have done it many times. But something keeps pulling me back. I think it is the familiar and the secure place that feels like home. The prayer that gives strength and positive energy.

One important learning that I have come to know is that life will always have ups and downs. With your free will you can influence life events to some extent. But you cannot control them. But with certain techniques, realizations and knowledge you can learn to live through them.

I am reading a book called 'Positive Energy' by Judith Orloff. In this book she describes practices and tools to increase energy and find inner peace. She says do everything to find your intuition and follow your inner voice. From that center point, find the rhythm of your life. Once you synchronize with it, positive energy will grow.
I would definitely recommend this book. It affirms my interest and trust on meditation, love and spiritual practices.

I also came across this video which I like and think is pretty direct and clear in explaining the two aspects of life.

Why go through this process?

It has been such a long time I wrote something about myself here. What has been going on in my life after the secrets being revealed and meditation becoming the most important task in my daily routine?

One thing I have come to realize is that, it is not easy. It is not easy to stay on a daily routine. It takes a lot of effort to stay positive and 'on path' to spiritual awakening. Not surprising, that not everyone takes to the path of meditation or yoga.

I believe, I have shifted my energy in a more positive direction in the last 2 months or so. But I still at times feel anxious, despaired of life and struggle to find answers to my troubled mind. I even question the presence of God. Most of the time, it happens when I want to give up. Mind and body cannot keep pace with the changes in conscious. 

God! One day I said to myself, is only my imagination. Well, I say this in my times of despair. I meditate, I pray and I keep Him alive in my thoughts. My actions become a service to the most powerful. But it takes lot of courage and strength to do that. Of what good is it to me as I sit here meditating and being one with the space around me? Quietening my mind which is the toughest of all and seeking strength from the source?
I look around and see all the people around me, happy and celebrating. Even if they don't bend their knees in prayers, they seem to be doing pretty good. Enjoying and full filled.
Then why do I need to go through the grind?

Every time the answer to this question for me has been - because there is something bigger than you waiting to be known. There is an energy to be part of which you've not experienced. There are hearts to touch and love to give. You are living this life for a purpose and need to find that out. There will be ups and downs in life. To live is not to chase those fulfilling moments and dodge the lows. Those will happen no matter how hard you try or don't.
I've lived for 30+ years and nearing half the average life expectancy of human life. If I live 30 more, what do I want to do in those years? Just knowing that there is a bigger purpose in life, takes me back to the grind. Actually, I think its the other way round. Going back to the grind makes me realize that there is more to life than what I know.