Running along

I have been putting on a lot of weight after the miscarriage and it has not been easy to go through these physical changes. The numbers on the weighing scale, struggle to fit into my clothes and getting comments about the weight gain have been a constant reminder of the loss and the grief.
Tired of it all I decided to start running for at least few minutes everyday.
I don't know what it is this time but I am finding it very difficult getting back to the athletic self. I end up only walking more than running. Last time I started running to lose weight I saw a change within few days. But this time I don't see that instant change. I guess it's just going to take more time. I hope I don't give up too soon.
Here are few pictures I took last week when I was out at the piers after work. The beautiful scenery makes the walk/run most enjoyable.

Tired of crying but still do :(

Ok. So I continue to cry and feel sad. I myself feel this crying is becoming old so I can understand how people around me feel when I just cry for no reason or get angry or go into a 'leave me alone' mode.
The memory of the loss is becoming weak but never leaves my mind.
When I hear my friends, colleagues and relatives share pregnancy or baby news, I feel bad. I feel my life is a standstill and theirs is moving forward.
Mine would have been 5 months by now and with me in April '12.
When someone talks about their kids even if they are 1 or 3 or 10 or 14 year olds I cannot stop thinking of my baby.
Why did it have to happen to me? Why did it come to me if it had to go away.
There are some days I feel so angry I get terrified of myself.
Every doctors visit after the loss has been stressful and depressing. I think the doctor could have saved the baby. Talking about what may have caused the loss does not bring it back.
I feel my family does not understand me either. Talking about the next baby is NOT going to make me feel better damn it! Coming from a conservative Hindu family, there is no space for grief over loss of someone whom you never even saw. There is no talking about the loss but only 'what did the doc say?' 'try again'. I hate this doc and this trying for another baby. I just want to stay away from these people already!
I don't know when and how this is going to change.
If staying in solitude was an option I would do that.

My Mind

Isn't it amazing how mind tries and succeeds in bringing sadness and pain? Sorry, 'keeping' sadness and pain.
I feel my mind likes attention, sympathy, attention, sympathy, attention, sympathy, attention...from me.

I want to move on. But my mind fights me. And wins.
Not all the time. But many times.

Today is one of those times.

I know this will pass too. Just like before. The good and bad.

Ok, you win. Now what next? That's all I say back to my mind.

Mothers are the best

She said 'Yes, I want to come and see you.'

I was recovering and doing well. Days were passing by and I was slowly feeling the loss of the baby getting lighter and fading behind us. My Mom was in India at that time. She was trying desperately to get the US visit visa so that she could come and stay with us for sometime but that was taking it's own time.

I had however made up my mind that even if she does get the visa, I will ask her not to visit me now. Winter was approaching and for someone who lives in Goa, even the California's lower 50's can be unbearable. And also there was nothing to do now. The dream of having Mom around when I had my tummy big enough not to see my feet was over.
I think I had just decided that I was over all this!

But Mom was feeling very restless and helpless. More than anything she was feeling that Navin and I had to go through all this alone and we had no support. She was very worried.

So as soon as she got her passport from the embassy, she called me. You should have heard her voice. So relieved! I tried to convince her that her travelling was not necessary. She could come in Summer. She could even do some sight seeing I said.

But she was too determined. She wanted to see me now. Be with me for sometime. To just hold my hand. To give us a big hug.

Ah Mothers! They are the best isn't it?
Wasn't this the exact feeling I had for my unborn child? He was not even born for me to feel so connected. How could I not know how Mothers feel.

Even if kids don't feel the same way for their parents, they will continue to love you forever.

Still hurts

One side of me wants to cry and continue to suffer
The other side knows what is over is gone and was just an experience
I want to cry; cry out loud
I want to sing; sing through the sunny days

It's so difficult to get over you

It is exactly one week since that horrible day. The worst day in our lives.
You were so loved and wanted my baby! It's so true that love is blind. We never got to see you but we loved you more than anything.
Your dad and me talked so much about you. We do so even now. Did you hear us then? Do you hear us now? Baabu, you are an angel who brightened our lives even though for a short while. Will you come back to us? We promise to keep you safe and happy.
We saw your picture the day before and doctor aunty and the other doctor uncle said you are doing great. There is nothing to worry. Then what happened all of a sudden? I am still looking for answers. That day still haunts me. I can still remember every single moment of that day.
The helplessness. The anxiety. The fear. The hope. The pain.
I prayed for a miracle. All the time.
I never believed in one until I heard your heartbeat for the very first time. It was such a beautiful day. We started weaving dreams of a future with three of us. Life was going to be exciting and lively with you. It was going to be different. And we were so ready for a change. We were so ready for you.
Daddy is still angry with the Gods or whoever the miracle creator was.
Every passing moment reminds us of the dream we had with you. The physical pain makes it even more painful. That pain will go away but your memory will be with us forever.
The thought that none of our friends will know you, or none of our relatives will love you sickens me to my stomach. This void will always remain.
We miss you. Be happy and stay good.

You were a sunshine in my life

I couldn't see you and did not know how you were doing. But I always prayed to the almighty to help you ease any pain and do whatever is good for you.
You will always remain the sunshine of my life. I will miss you a lot. Stay good and be at peace.